Thursday, December 13, 2012

More baggage, but this time with God

Baggage with God is uncomfortable. Why do I have the right to hold a grudge against such a loving and graceful God? He’s perfect, and everything that He does is for my own good. But alas, there is baggage with God and I had brought it over in my relationship with Shawn. I brushed against this idea really briefly during the summer when I first started my relationship with Shawn. I then swept it aside and thought nothing of it—until Tuesday.

My IV campus staff worker confronted me, asking what I needed to let go of. Where in my life am I not letting God be Lord over? Where am I simply seeing God as an advisor, not Lord? We started talking about my relationship with Shawn and why I’m afraid of giving this part of my life over to God. I still wasn’t comfortable sharing my entire past with her, but she knew that there was something I was hiding. She left me with the idea of thinking about fears and what I’m afraid of. She wanted to plant in me the idea of giving the future of my relationship with Shawn over to God. She wanted me to let go of my fears of not being with Shawn so that I could be comfortable with the idea of letting God be Lord over this relationship.

It was absolutely terrifying. I cried for hours after that, and I still am crying as I type this. I’m still processing everything, and I guess the fact that I’m crying still leads to the fact that I’m not ready to let this go. Why I’m crying? Because last time I let God into my relationship, He took it away. He knew that my relationship with Frankie wasn’t good. He said, “enough’s enough” and He pulled him away through one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever had. I’m not ready for that to happen again. I don’t want that to happen again. Is it selfish of me to want to control my future? Yes. I’m trying to justify this entire relationship saying, “I can still change him. I can make him a stronger Christian. I can turn this relationship into one that is Godly.” But let’s be real—I’m not the one who changes; God is.

I also have to keep reminding myself that letting this relationship go and letting God take control doesn't necessarily mean that it needs to end. It means that I need to accept whatever happens and be comfortable with it. I need to make God the center of my life (and this relationship is a huge part of my life!).

Pray for me as I battle through this. Pray that God will show grace to me and Shawn with whatever happens. Pray that I would be willing to let God in and lead me into a posture of openness and healing.