Baggage

There are always going to be traces of your previous relationships in your current relationships. There’s always going to be baggage, no matter how much you try to leave that behind.

I wish that baggage didn’t exist. I wish I could say this relationship is my first and my only. I wish I could say that I never had past loves. But if I said that, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be able to treat this relationship much differently and much better than my previous relationships. I wouldn’t be able to grow out of the experience for a better one.

However, despite all the great things that come from learning from one’s mistakes, there are still things to be worked on. The past few relationships I have been in have honestly been the worst experiences of my life. Actually, I probably shouldn’t even label them as relationships, because we weren’t exclusive. We simply just liked each other and usually one or the other will be too afraid to make a move or make some sort of commitment. This usually ends up with the other finding someone else more attractive, more fun, more endearing than me, and I’m simply left alone to cry. This has literally happened to me EVERY SINGLE TIME I find someone, with the most previous relationship, one where I had put ALL of my trust in and never doubted his decisions. If he were with another girl, I convinced myself she was just a friend and he had his head on straight. He did not. He dated the girl for a year and I cried for a year.

Obviously this time around, I’m not going to give my heart away so easily. I’ve been hurt before and I’m being cautious. I don’t want to be put in that situation ever again. Every time Shawn decides to hang out with his best friend who happens to be a girl, I can’t help but assume the worst. Why wouldn’t I, especially with all of my previous experiences that I am absolutely terrified of repeating? At the same time though, this relationship is different than all of my previous relationships. I have a nice guy who I KNOW has his head on straight. I have a label on my relationship so that we know we’re exclusive. I have a boyfriend who is absolutely head over heels for me and would never do anything to hurt me. I should be grateful, but I’m still walking around him like eggshells. I feel awful for not putting in my all when he clearly is. I feel like I’m putting up a wall to protect myself, but I know that there is nothing to be afraid of on the other side.

I absolutely hate baggage, but I have grown a lot from it. I just wish it wouldn’t affect how I treated this boy whom I love.