Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Worst Fears

More like one huge ginormous fear that's been bugging me for the past few weeks: Where will I be going after college?

I'm afraid of graduating.  I know, I still have two years left, but it's going to fly by SO quickly and I still have so much to hang onto.  I've been living in this bubble that is made up of Boston, OLs, chemistry majors, and InterVarsity friends.  I don't know what I'm going to do with myself after I graduate.  All of those things will slip right through my fingers and I have to start all over again from square one.  I'm terrified.  I'm scared of living alone, I'm scared of being in some unknown city all by myself with nobody to go to.  I'm afraid of being vulnerable to new people and having to go church hopping by myself.  And even if I just end up at home after graduating, I'm terrified of that too.  None of my friends are in the same places they were before I left for college, and everything has changed.  I don't where they will be and I don't know if I want to follow them to their new churches.  And even if I do end up back in NYC, I don't want anything holding me back from creating an entirely new life from scratch in the city I grew up in--because I know there will always be pressure to go back to where I came from.

Of course, it's all in God's hands, but it's killing me not knowing.  It gives me an uneasy feeling not knowing the stability of the future, and I'm constantly looking for just a hint of what's in store and what it might look like.

No comments:

Post a Comment